Man-go Crazy
My man goes crazy
When I eat a mango
Like a lady
Using a knife and fork
He calls me a dork
For carefully slicing each cheek
Into perfectly bite sized bits
That’s when he cracks the shits
Saying I have committed a sin
And no longer wants to live
Because throwing away the pit
Is a waste
And that I should be ashamed
For contributing to climate change
That’s when I knew
He was insane
Snatching my plate
Claiming it does not taste the same
Unless the orange flesh caresses your face
And have pulp go so far up your nose
You need to get it out with a hose
That is the correct protocol
Written in his book
‘How To Eat A Mango – The Instruction Manual’
Gifted to me in 2002
But I am not fazed
Even if the cat looks confused
I have no intention of listening to ego
So I politely point towards the door
This is my mango!
Go away man! Go!
How To Eat A Mango – The Instruction Manual (2002) by Bowen Curry
There is only one correct way to eat a mango. In this guide, you will learn the correct protocol for eating a mango and what is regarded as improper according to the Council of Mango Eaters Anonymous 2002. Our mission is to create a worldwide mango eating standard.
Rule 1. While eating a mango, it is imperative that you use your hands only. Feet may be used in special circumstances (ie. injury, amputee, OCD).
Rule 2. Do NOT eat a mango with cutlery. No forks, spoons, sporks, chopsticks and/or knives.
Rule 3. Knives may only to be used during the preparation of a mango.
Rule 4. The flesh of the mango must have direct contact with your face.
Rule 5. Mango juice must drip from your chin.
Rule 6. Pulp must go up your nose and then promptly removed with a hose.
Rule 7. You must suck on the pit before it is discarded.
Rule 8. The sharing of pits is NOT permitted.
Rule 9. Never ask another person for their pit, this is forbidden. A fine may be issued after several warnings.
Rule 10. Any unpaid fines may result in incarceration at our specially constructed offshore facility. There will be no mangoes there.
Rule 11. You may also be banned from coming into contact with mangoes until you have passed a test to prove you have learnt the rules in this manual and show remorse for your grievances.
Rule 12. All infringement hearings will take place in front of a council of at least 20 board members.