The Aircon Troll
The temperature of our home is controlled by a troll
With a hot temper
Which is kind of ironic
Moronic to a certain degree
How the use of an electronic could cause so much controversy
As thermostats soar
Toward five hundred trillion or more
Questions begin to transpire
That are less than desired
Just like a sweaty armpit that nobody wants to sniff
So too are the words omitted from parched lips…
Is this thing on?
Why am I sweating?
What happened to the butter?
What is the weather lady saying?
Apparently…
A rise in blood pressure has caused a massive heatwave
Fires are raging across the nation
From the tops of people’s heads
With the possibility of it not ending for days
I fell to my knees
And I hoped
And I prayed
But maybe I forgot to say please, thank you or somethin’
Because I had summoned my worst fear...
The Aircon Troll!
You know the one...
He hangs around every summer
With flaming red dread locks
Skin like grains of sand from the Sahara
Molten lava tickles between his toes
While he struts around in skimpy shorts and shades all day
Anyway…
He is always on hallway patrol
Sleeping next to the temperature gauge
Watching us behind air vent bars
Perspiring fret and worry
Actually…
I think it’s kind of funny
To see a big scary troll cry
Simply tell him the temperature is too high
Then give him a cheeky grin
While you adjust the thermostat and say…
I win!
The 10 Air Conditions
1. The thermostat can only be set to 35 degrees, regardless of external conditions
2. Use of the air conditioner is only permitted during the hours of approx. 6pm – 9pm on any given day, this includes public holidays and/or special occasions
3. You may turn it on if there are guests but not if there is a cool breeze (500 km radius applies)
4. The air conditioner will not be operational if it is raining (10,000 km radius applies)
5. Saying you feel ‘hot’ or ‘cold’ is not permitted
6. Don’t even think about turning it on
7. Under no circumstances is anyone allowed to suggest that outside is cooler than inside
8. There will be no use of the air conditioner during winter, inclusive of the following months; April, May, June, July, August, September, October and November
9. All blinds, drapes and/or shutters must be closed prior to operation and remain closed for the duration of use
10. Verge of death does not void any of the above
Yours insincerely,
The Aircon Troll
P.S. You can turn it on whenever but I heard there is a cool breeze coming in from Antarctica.
P.S.S. It was not long after beginning to write this story, the 2019-20 Victorian bushfires happened.